Hi Wayne,
Please know you are in my prayers, friend.
None of us are good except God, Wayne. The rest of us are all trying to better than were were yesterday and then trying to be better tomorrow that we were today. It's a process..a step by step process and we all have to walk this walk away from the fallen world to the Divine Light provided by the Son of Man.
When you said "I am scared that God will hurt me when I die" My friend, please do not think such things. The one place you know there is love is with God. I am not saying that there is not justice for wrongs taken in life, but if we are honest with God, if we confess our sins to God and ask for His forgiveness..did you know in that very moment we ask God to forgive us, it is done..right in that moment!! (Halleluyah!) Seek God through Christ and unload your baggage at the foot of the cross, Wayne. Not just the things you have told yourself you have unloaded but all of it (even all those dark and fearful things you fear anyone to know about..God has seen them all. He has was present when you thought them, when you felt them and when you did them) He will forgive if you seek Him out. It is when people try to cover over their sins and hide them..that's when we distance ourselves from God. Just be brutally honest..God will forgive you and then you have no need to fear of God trying to hurt you, ever.
This is just my opinion, so please only give it some thought if it helps you, but as a friend who also seeks the well lit path to God, I strongly suggest you speak to your Priest or Pastor at your church. Tell them how you feel. Reach out to the members of your local congregation and I am sure there are many online church related support groups, many with individuals who are struggling with very similar concerns as you.
Many people stew in their own private hells. Ones of their own making. Sometimes it is good just to be able to talk in person with people and then your realize many of the fears and concerns we have, are not exclusive to us, that others share similar issues and it can help to have friends to walk this path.
Also be brave enough to love others regardless of how they feel about you. Remember what Yeshua said in the Gospel of Matthew:
"You have heard that it has been said that ‘You shall love your neighbour, * and hate your enemy. * ’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those that curse you, and do that which is pleasing to those who hate you and pray for those that take you by force and persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven – He that raises His sun upon the good and upon the evil, and causes His rain to descend upon the just and upon the unjust. 46 For if you love only those that love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the publicans do this? 47 If you only greet your brothers in peace, what more are you doing? Do not even the publicans do this? 48 Therefore you should become perfect, as your Father who is in heaven is perfect."- Matt. 5:43-47 Holy Peshitta
Have love for others even if they show no love in return. Love and you will be loved. First things first: start with yourself, Wayne. Learn to have love for yourself, Not in a vain way, but love yourself by having compassion for yourself (give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself).
This is a time of year where believers remember Yeshua's sacrifice for humanity and His Resurrection. Remember, that after 3 days He rose and the world was made new! Think of this time as your long dark night of the soul. You are not alone..He is always with you, Wayne.
I hope my words were helpful, if not, please forget them.
God Bless
